One of my earliest memories is from when I was four years old. I was playing in the backyard and heard a loud crash. I ran to the front and saw that my mother had backed the car over my tricycle. I remember her pausing just long enough to make sure it was moved out the way before speeding off down the road. I was too young to understand what or why it had happened. I remember being upset, shocked and confused. As I got older, I learned that my uncle was in crisis and my mother needed to take him to the hospital.
As I get older, the more my memories of the past come to the forefront of my mind. Some of those memories are good and others are painful to recall. Can the same grace that redeems me from my sin also redeem my memories? Is it possible to go back to the past and see things differently?
Sometimes, things seem so much bigger when you are a child. Revisiting a favorite park or place of play that seemed so huge and spacious as a child, as an adult now seems quite small. The slide is actually shorter than you remember, the road you lived on, not so wide, and walk to school, not so far.
My memory of my uncle remains in my mind as an image of a large, vociferous man, with a broad smile and perpetually reeking of smoke. He’s a part of many of my memories because he lived with us off and on throughout my childhood. Suffering from mental illness and a low IQ, he struggled to live on his own. As I got older, I realized just how sick he really was. He had tried to end his life twice while in our home. As an adolescent, I remember talking him through his delusions and paranoia, attempting to calm him down. When I was an adult, I visited him in a group home with my first child and realized he wasn’t as big in reality as he was in my memory. As an adult, I saw him for the confused, simply minded, and mentally ill person he actually was.
As a writer, I spend a lot of time editing my words. I look back over what I’ve written and fix spelling errors, cut out sentences, and sometimes change the article all together. Whatever I don’t like or doesn’t sound right gets removed.
I’ve often wished I could do that with my life.
I would like to edit my childhood, removing the anger, rage, stress, and dysfunction from my family’s story. I would like to take away the rampant history of depression, anxiety, and other mental illness from my immediate and extended family. I’d like to change choices I’ve made, things I’ve said, and places I’ve been.
But I’m not the editor or the author of my life. God is. He’s written my story this way for a reason and for His glory. He has used all the dark parts of my childhood to bring me to Himself and to show me my need for Him. God has written me into His story of redemption where I have joined an assembly of other broken, sinful people.
As He changes me, I am able to look back into my memories and see them from another perspective. I see the dark, painful, and difficult experiences differently now. Not just because time has passed. Not because the pain has lessened. And not because my memories are distorted in some way.
God is in the business of redeeming and He can even redeem my memories. He’s showing me things I hadn’t seen before. Like Dickens’ ghost of Christmas past, I can see parts of the story I simply wasn’t aware of.
Most of my childhood, we lived in a simple townhouse outside our nation’s capital. Partly to pay the bills, but maybe more so for ministry, my parents rented out a room in our small house. The renters who lived with us were not average people who kept to themselves. Instead, they were all wounded people who struggled with life and their own demons. In addition to my uncle, another woman with bipolar disorder lived with us. On another occasion, an alcoholic lived with us. I also remember a single mom with a young child. Then there was the friend of the family who was delusional as well as a chronic a liar and a thief.
Most of my life I’ve looked back on those years in disbelief. It was chaotic and not a good environment to raise young children. It was confusing, disruptive and sometimes frightening. For many years, I had an almost nightly nightmare that never went away until I moved away from home.
In recent years, I look back on these experiences and see my parents efforts at trying to help the lost and lonely. I see them reaching out to the marginalized, just as our Savior did. And they still do the same thing today.
I also see those years as preparing me for the journey into the field of psychology. Some days I regret pursuing training in mental health and wish I had gone into journalism or literature instead. But God had a story written for me, one that included me developing an empathy and understanding of the weak and helpless.
My memories are still there, the good, the bad and the ugly. But God has given me grace to see them at a different angle, through the lens of the gospel of grace. I can see His hand at work through all of it and know that “He works all things for good.”
While we can’t go back and edit the dark parts of our life, we can allow God to work through our memories. Ask Him to show you how He was always there, how He never stepped away from your story, and how He always was in control. Ask for grace to see your life the way He sees it: broken yet made whole, wounded yet healed, and lost yet redeemed.
Linking up with:
And Word Filled Wednesday and Intentional.Me
Thank you for stopping by today. I loved your post. It was so moving. I often wish parts of my chilhood could be changed. It really does help to look at those memories with a new perspective.
Thanks! In many ways, our memories shape us and make us who we are. And He uses them to draw us to Himself. So glad you stopped by!
Are those your pictures in the mason jars? I had never thought of doing that. What a great idea!
Yes they are! My ancestors:)
I took note of that too — the photos in jars. What a great idea. Our guest bedroom is filled with old family memorabilia and photos. I’ve been looking for ways to display some of the old photos. This is a fantastic idea. You should “pinterest” it.
I don’t think you can pin your own stuff to Pinterest. I have lots of old family photos and love to find new ways to display them. Thanks for stopping by:)
I love the pictures in the mason jars, too. And I have old photos I didn’t know how to display, and mason jars! tah-dah!
Reading through your post, I was thinking just the thoughts you ended up with. I would have liked several periods of my life to be entirely different, but the more I grow in Christ (also get some distance from those times and gain understanding), my perspective has changed so much. Now I see them as the painful irritants that formed the spiritual pearls of my life, and as training for ministering to others. God bless you in your area of psychology. Seems like that’s where God’s called you.
Spiritual pearls, I like that! And I’m so glad you stopped by!
Oh wow, friend — what an AMAZING post.
Seeing the hurts and pain of the the past through the lens of God’s plans and purposes always helps me during the times when I find myself wondering why certain things happened.
This was so beautiful- learning to see your childhood through HIS lens. *hugs* Thank you!! You always inspire!
It’s hard to revist the past sometimes. But through His lens we can see a different story. Thanks for your sweet words!
I really love this post. I often want to edit my darker parts of the past. But Then I wonder who I’d be today. God has used every part of my story in many ways including causing me to depend on Him and long for Him. I’m so thankful that when our stories don’t make since, we can rest and trust in Him who has written them. And even though sometimes our memories still hurt and our wounds dig deep, one day it will all be fully healed and pain will never return. So glad for the victory we have in Him and the way He redeems even our memories.
May we all long for that day! It is our hope in heaven that reminds us that we were not made for this world and there is a better one to come. Thanks, friend!
I came here through another blog and just have to say this exactly what I needed to read today. I’m struggling with the trauma and grief of two second trimester miscarriages, the first was three years ago, and I now have a 14-month old. You’re right. I can’t change the past or those memories. And that’s what I’ve been trying (and encouraged) to do. No wonder I feel lost. I haven’t asked for God to show me how she sees my life. Perspective. Perspective is just difference; it doesn’t make what happened less sad. And that’s okay. It is part of my story. Your post was far more helpful than my psychiatrist appointment earlier today!
I’m so glad you stopped by! May God bless you in your journey and give you the peace you long for. Blessings!
Wonderful post, enjoyed this.
Thanks, Denise!
This is wonderful. I really appreciate everything you said. I had a relative with bipolar disorder who caused a lot of heartache for me. Before she died, I was able to see that none of it was her fault and we were both freed from the pain. I am so happy for her to be completely free now. You’re so right. Hardships in childhood, while somewhat damaging, prepare us for something greater in adulthood.
Thanks for visiting! May He use all of our pains for the building up of His kingdom. Blessings to you!
So glad He can give us new eyes to look through our memories…I love the mason jars with pictures…are those yours? blessings to you~
Yes, they are:) They are of my ancestors. I look at them everyday and am reminded where I came from and how God can do amazing things in our lives. Blessings!
I think writing helps the memories to emerge in a way they wouldn’t otherwise. And it helps me to see how he uses all of the events of our life and redeems them for our good, because He knows the bigger picture hidden away in the future we have yet to experience. I know what you mean about wanting to do things over, but God is in the business of redemption and I am so grateful.
Amen! And writing does help process memories, doesn’t it? So glad you visited today!
Spoken as a true Redemption’s Beauty!
Whatever happened while I was growing up - the good and the bad - it has all made me who I am today. It has all lead me to HIS Throne. Amen!
So very true! Thanks for visiting!
It’s a wise woman who can see the good parts in hard things. I love your last line - Ask for grace to see your life the way He sees it: broken yet made whole, wounded yet healed, and lost yet redeemed.
You are very kind and I’m so glad you visited today. It’s hard to see the beautiful in the ugly things of life. But that’s what redemption does. Thanks for stopping by!
Christina, this is a beautiful post, with a lot of depth. A topic that we probably all need to pay more attention to.
Like you, my childhood memories are a mixture of thankfulness that my parents were so open-hearted toward strangers combined with amazement that they could have been so blind to the dangers to children from those strangers.
Many of my adult memories are also a mixture of happy times with family, but with a shadow cast by a spouse’s deceitfulness.
Today, it is much easier to see the hand of God, throughout.
Thanks for sharing!
You are kind! Memories are hard to face, but because of Christ, they no longer have to control us. He is redeeming all the broken part of our lives, including our memories. So glad you stopped by!
What a beautiful message! I too have had the idea of going back and editing my history, but I love that you’ve included “He’s written my story this way for a reason and for His glory.” We can take comfort in the fact that God really does work all things together for our good, not just those things we get right!
Amen! All things are for our good, sometimes it takes time to see the outcome of that. Thanks for visiting today!
It was lovely to get to know you better from this post. You should write a book about that house…Isn’t God good? The way He uses our past to pave the path of our future?
Yes! And it’s hard to realize it when you’re on the path, exactly where it’s headed. It’s only when you look back do you see how you got to where you are now. Thanks so much for visiting!
I wholeheartedly agree! FYI, I pinned your crafty jar and doorknob ideas on Pinterest. I just love them!
You are sweet!:) Thanks for visiting!
Seeing things from a different angle indicates growth and maturity. There are things I wish I could change about my past too, but yes, knowing that God works all things for good is sweet grace. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks for visiting, Lisa! It is sweet grace that His hand is always at work, even when we least sense it. Looking forward to that Great Day when we can look at the completed picture. Blessings to you!
What a beautiful post about life! Thank you for writing this. I have a family member with bipolar. It still boggles my mind. It still hurts and I do not always get it. I have to say you are 100% correct, their bipolar does bring me closer to the Lord. Thank you for writing this. It makes sense. Its all in his hands.
Bipolar is a cruel disease, both to the patient and to their family. I know exactly what you mean. Praise God that He is redeeming all things broken. Blessings to you!