I still remember that day in my undergraduate marriage counseling class. Insecure and broken, I came to college full of questions about my past, my purpose, my meaning, and my future. I wanted to understand the chaos I had left behind. Why was my family so controlled by fear, anger, and bittterness? What effect would my past have on my future? How did God fit into all of it?
That day, my professor introduced us to the “genogram.” The genogram is a tool used by marriage counselors to help gain a better understanding about a couple’s familial background. It is similar to a family tree, yet it includes information about the interpersonal relationships in the family, including dysfunction and discord. Like DNA helps us see the genetic markings for inheritable diseases, the genogram reflects generational dysfunctional patterns within a family.
As soon as my professor began describing the genogram, I felt an ominous shadow fall over me. I knew immediately what my genogram would look like. A sense of foreboding enveloped me. Overwhelmed and filled with despair; I was certain my future was etched in stone.
After all, I had fled to this mountain of refuge to escape the pains of childhood. Leaving my painful memories behind, I had hoped to start fresh with a new life. I believed that out on my own, hours away from home, my family’s legacy couldn’t find me. Yet, the further I got in my education, I realized just how hard it is to leave the past behind.
With the anniversary of my grandfather’s death having just past, I think about the legacy he was born into and the one he passed on. Born into poverty and raised in a broken family, he left school after eighth grade to help support his mother and brothers. Deserted by an alcoholic father, his family carried deep wounds that never seemed to heal. He fought in the army during WWII. Arriving one day into the Normandy invasion, he lived to recount his stories to me for years to come. Married to a tired and worn woman, my grandmother carried her own stories from a painful childhood. During the Korean War, when he learned of my grandmother’s emotional breakdown, he left the military to be at her side.
When I looked at my family history that day in college, I believed my life was doomed to remain bound by the chains of my family’s past. The mental illness with which my grandmother struggled all her life, I had seen passed on to others in my family. The dysfunctional styles of communication among family members never abated. The secrets, anger, cutting remarks, and bitterness all continued from one generation to the next. And that’s just one side of my family.
But even in the midst of darkness, there’s always a glimmer of light. After my grandfather’s father left the family, they went to live with his grandmother. While his mother worked multiple jobs, his grandmother helped raise him and his siblings. It was she who shared her faith in God and planted seeds of hope in his heart. It was she who passed on her legacy of faith which he in turn passed on to my father. While my family’s past is rich with pain and filled with hurt, broken, and imperfect people, God has always been at work.
I can look back and see the way He has been there all along, throughout the generations, weaving a story of grace. From a grandmother to a grandson to a son to a daughter to my own children, redemption’s story has been shared throughout the generations. While wounds may linger and scars take time to fade, they are a reminder of why we need a Redeemer and why He came to save.
I’ve learned that while the past has great influence on the future, it is never written in stone. While a genogram is helpful to lay out the past and see the impact it has had on a family, it is not a map for the future. It is only a history lesson and not a prophecy. It has been years since the day I faced my family’s genogram. Since then, my husband and I have been living out our own genogram, with God as the author and writer of our story.
God is in the business of redeeming and making all things new. He takes the stories of our past and redeems them for His glory and our good. He sent His Son, Jesus to break those chains that bind us. Jesus’ sacrifice on the cross frees us from our past and gives us hope for the future. He has given us a new family, one with a perfect Father who never fails, never leaves, and always loves. We are children and heirs of the Living God. We now have a new and perfect family story, a holy legacy, and a bright hope for the future.
Is your genogram riddled with brokenness and discord? Are you burdened with a painful family legacy? Know that Christ died to redeem your past and make a place for you in the family of God. You have been adopted and freed from the chains of the past. Do you know this freedom?
“Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!” 2 Corinthians 5:17
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
Linking up with:
and Intentional.Me
“While my family’s past is rich with pain and filled with hurt, broken, and imperfect people, God has always been at work.” Yes He does!
I remember the joy when I realized I get to build a new life…a new foundation for my family…old things passing away…there was a strong place in my heart that said…it stops here…no more. We are rooted in our roots and they do affect us for years…but you are so right…God comes to redeem…He comes to set free. great post…blessings~
Love this, Christina. My family has similar dysfunctions. Our story isn’t so much about the tragedy and hardship as it is grace and mercy. HE IS GOOD.
and linking up from Scribing the Journey,
Hugs from VA
Susan
Yes, I can relate to the brokeness of generations on a family tree. How God redeems our history for His glory. It’s so much a part of my story, the way He makes all things new, enables us to surpass our circumstances. Love all the details about your family history. You painted a glorious picture of redemption Christina.
Yeah, we can’t seem to run from our past no matter how fast and far we run. I’m so glad that you were able to find healing and redemption in your family’s story, Christina. It sounds like the type of family God “loves” to use. Thanks for letting Him use you again today in our lives!
Every one of us has a story of brokenness, don’t we? Some days and months are easier than others - it can take a brief second to bring the past flooding back. I’ve come to understand that only God can offer the type of comfort I seek. I realize finally that I cannot wish the past gone forever because without it, I wouldn’t be the person I am today nor have all the gifts I’m blessed with. Thank you for opening your heart and so eloquently too!
“our chains are gone, i’ve been set free…” comes to my mind immediately reading this….
this week, exactly the kind of message I needed to hear….
Thanks for linking up! Blessings, Michy
Yes, the past can feel like it has such a hold on you - but that redemption! Praise God! Such a beautiful story. Thank you so much for sharing this!
The past is just that. The past. We can look back and learn. Yet we must live in today. For that is all we are given. If we spend our day living in the past, worrying if it is going to affect our future, then we are giving up all we are promised. This moment. Thank you for sharing. Stoppin by from Gettin Down with Jesus. Blessings from simplyhelpinghim.com
My favorite line, “It is only a history lesson, not a prophecy.” Beautiful writing, encouraging truth!
That’s my favorite too. And man, aren’t we grateful? Family of origin issues are important to process so we can learn from them and trust God in the healing, and ultimately in His plans and purposes for our lives and our families. Great post! (So glad to have you in the True Vine Challenge!)
Great post. I’m so glad to be grafted into the family of God, that He is our lifeblood, and His Spirit works in us in spite of who we are, where we come from, and where we likely might be. He is our great rescuer.
What is also awesome to me and unfathomable is the genogram of Christ. Looking at His lineage is an encouragement. He even overcame something as simple as where He came from and the ghosts of generations past so that He could identify with us as we face our pasts. Amazing
So encouraging to me. This week in particular has been very difficult. A death in our family brought my brother home for the funeral and we have been discussing what to do about our mother who is having financial stresses and is also a very bitter person who creates lots of dysfunction and chaos in our lives. It has been so encouraging to have my brother’s support and I am thankful that God does redeem through the generations. My brother and I are trying to be careful in how we raise our children and yes, there is always hope through the pain.
It’s so freeing to know that any of us can be the first in our family to break away from the bondages of our messed-up family trees. And when people do that, they can leave a tremendous legacy for future generations … a whole new line of hope, because one person followed Christ and broke the chain.
Thank you for sharing your story, friend. So blessed by your vulnerability and your faithfulness.
We have/had a lot in common. And your grandfather was about the same age as my dad and much of the same situations. And it was dropped into my life, very seriously [as I have posted about a number of times], and the consequences have gone on and on… AND if the Lord hadn’t broken into my life, I would have been carrying this deadly issues forward. SO grateful for His love and care and concern. Through bringing me into His Kingdom, as the family “Pioneer” 46 years ago, quite a number of the family members have come to Him [both of my parents before their deaths], and the genogram is accurate and the satanic bondages are breaking, and breaking, and breaking again. HALLELUJAH!!
So true! I remember being about 18 and just struggling with the patterns I saw in my family on both sides. I remember wondering if that was all I would ever know. I wondered if I should even get married if I was doomed to unhappiness like that. A friend directed me to the passage in the new testament that said; “if the son shall make you free, ye shall be free indeed”. It made so much sense to me then and even now I still have to remind myself that I am free from that past and am responsible for the choices I make today.
I remember having to do a genogram in graduate school. I can relate to your feelings of being doomed by your families history. But thanks be to God for his grace and intervention in our lives. He’s working all the time.
Thanks for linking up!
MB
WOW, What an excellent message and so well written. You are truly gifted.
Love, Mom
A beautiful post, Christina! And one we can all relate to.
We all have varying levels of dysfunction in our family trees…and we all have varying levels of God’s grace sprinkled throughout.
For me, a key milestone was reaching a point of being able to see my parent’s imperfections through eyes of grace…being able to see the issues they grew up with, and the difficulties they overcame by God’s grace.
Thanks for sharing!
“I can look back and see the way He has been there all along, throughout the generations, weaving a story of grace.” how encouraging is that? GOD is bigger than generations of sin, failure and dysfunction. Stunning and so hopeful!