Depression Story, part 2

02. February 2011 · 3 comments · Categories: Depression, God's still working on me, Post Pardum Depression

In part one of my story I shared my experiences with depression beginning in adolescence. I’m picking up today on my story, focusing on what happened after I had children. Can I recommend never having a baby at a hospital right after a hurricane swept through your town? We all have our birthing war stories and I won’t bore you with mine but the fact that we had a hurricane precipated my son’s birth and subsequent issues that followed. Nothing dramatic but when you’re a brand new mom, you want everything to go smoothly so you can just relish the joy of finally being with your child. I had a seemingly endless list of irritating health problems following my oldest son’s birth and I was very stressed about it. Independent of each other they were mild (sciatica, for example) but combined, it became too much. I had a few visits to my doctor during the first few weeks of my son’s life and I remember my midwife saying “I wonder if you might be suffering from post-pardum depression?” In my head I thought “Are you kidding? I know depression when I see it and this is not it.” I responded that I was extremely stressed out from constantly being sick.

That began my step down the road of blaming everything else for my problems instead of the obvious: depression. I was always crying, always seemed to be incredibly tired, and very irritable. I said it was because of the stress of being a new mom, or that I was on my own with little help, or that my son wasn’t keen on napping during the day, or, or , or. I blamed my husband that if he were home more, I wouldn’t feel this way. I thought that since I had diagnosed people with depression in my work as a counselor, I would know it when I saw it. Not so. By the time my son was ten months old, I finally realized that I was depressed and my doctor gave me antidepressants. I took these until I was pregnant with my second son. Pregnancy was very difficult emotionally and I think the depression began to creep up on me right away. I made plans with my doctor to begin taking my medication again as soon as my second son was born, thinking it would help me keep it at bay. Hoping things would be different the second time.

I really anticipated not having any problems with depression since I was taking medication. But the irritability and sadness was coming over me in waves. I kept telling myself it was because my husband was working all the time and that I just needed some time to myself. Then I blamed it on the kids being sick with asthma all the time. Then I blamed it on the difficulty of my oldest son’s behavior. Then, then, then. Many times the answer to a problem is right in front of you and I was the problem, not anyone else. So many days of calling my husband on the phone crying about the kids, so many days wishing my life were different. I was the very person I didn’t want to be: yelling at my son, always irritable with him and my husband, wanting to just stay in bed and never get out again. And I couldn’t stop crying. Finally, one day I started wishing that my life was over, my lowest of lows. I felt out of control, that I would explode if nothing changed. It was then that I heard a voice saying “Remember that? Those thoughts are the very thoughts you sent people to the hospital for time and time again.” I with the plank in my eye. It seems we always have to get to the bottom before we’re willing to look up and ask the Lord for help. And then find that He was right at our side all along.

I got help from my doctor who put me at the maximum dose on my medication which has really helped. But it doesn’t work on it’s own. I have had to lay myself at the feet of Jesus time and time again asking for his grace and mercy. I have had to face my pride and accept that no amount of experience or knowledge in treating depression is going to keep me healthy. I have to depend on God to carry me through. I have to dig in the word, replace my negative thinking with the very thoughts of God. I have to be always in prayer. And I have to take off my mask and let others in my church community be the arms of God that surround me.

My journey into healing is an ongoing one, a daily battle. I am prone to depressive thinking, prone to all or nothing thinking, prone to expecting the worst. I have to stay connected to God each and every moment for once I turn away and get distracted by something else, I feel my steps falter. I have to be alert for signs of depression creeping up on me and immediately tell my husband and a friend. And I just pray, pray,pray. For how can I show Jesus to my kids if the plank in my eye is so large that I can’t see him myself? How can I show them Jesus when I live as though he does not have the world in his hands? How can I expect them to love when I can’t get out of the mess in my mind in order to step out and love others? But I can show them Jesus by telling them how he heals the brokenhearted, how he restores us to wholeness, and how he loves us unconditionally.

And by resting in him and his strength alone I can show them how broken people are healed.

6 month follow up

16. April 2010 · 1 comment · Categories: Post Pardum Depression

This has been a week of dr.’s visits for me. CT scan, allergy shots and review of CT scan, chiropractor, and yesterday a follow up at my general practioner, today bloodwork. Every six months I have to follow up with my doctor about the status of my antidepressents. This time I’ve been on them since Ian was born and they are working really well. Many people think that if they are feeling good then they can stop their meds. The doctor and I think that if I stop my medication I’ll have a relapse and given my history and family history, I’m stickin with it. Don’t mess with something that ain’t broke as they say. Depression is a dark and lonely place and one I don’t care to visit anytime soon. I’m very grateful to God for bringing me to where I am and pray that I don’t go back to where I was. So if taking reuptake inhibitors for my Dopamine levels is going to help, so be it. I don’t think that medication is sufficient on it’s own which is why it’s important for me that I remain active in prayer and in the word and connected to others.

Reflections

03. April 2009 · Write a comment · Categories: Post Pardum Depression

The past six months or so I’ve been gradually coming out from under the dark cloud of PPD. As they say “hind sight is 20/20″ and looking back on the first year of Ian’s life I can see how seriously depressed I was. But God is merciful and gracious and brought me through it. In thinking back to Ethan’s surgery last week, I am so grateful to God for his healing because had Ethan had the surgery a year ago, I would not have made it through it. Despite my mommy worries about him going through the surgery I really was able to handle the stress of it. I’ve also noticed the past couple of months that I have been able to handle lack of sleep as well. Ian got up two hours early the past two mornings and a year ago, I would have been crying all day because I was so tired but this morning I was able to take it in stride. I have learned that it is crucial for me to stay committed to reading the word, praying, as well as reading Godly books in order to me to stay on this path (thus the reason for all the books I have mentioned in previous posts). Lastly, I have found myself being more social and I realized that after Ian was born I tended to want to stay home more and not go anywhere. I’ve met two neighbors who have kids the boy’s age and interestingly they both take their kids to Ian’s music class. So the point of this reflection is to share my thankfullness to the Lord for his work in me and my prayer for continued growth away from depression and toward the joy of the Lord.
“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.” Phil 4:6-7.

Ups and Downs of being a mom

13. April 2008 · 2 comments · Categories: Post Pardum Depression

I’ve said this before in postings past that being a mom has made me more aware of my sin. Of course I always new that I was a sinner, but either I sin more since being a mom or am more aware of my sins. When I was a working professional, I was probably in more of a denial about my sin since I worked primarily with those who were uneducated, impoverished, mentally ill and addicted I tended to feel better about myself and looked down on them. At least I’m not living like so and so… And this awareness of sin has even increased more now that I have two children. I can no longer boast about being organized or always on time (as indicated by my being late to church this morning. Anyone who knew me prior to kids would be shocked and astounded that I could be late to anything:). Some of my problems are related to my postpartum issues, and lack of sleep but I am convicted that the rest is surely related to my own sin. I frequently have conflicts with Ethan and wonder what in the world is going on and then when I get a chance to step out of the situation and reflect on things, I realize that I am not where I need to be spiritually and psychologically and this is reflected in Ethan’s behavior. My selfishness is even more apparent than before as I am always complaining about not having time to myself, not getting enough sleep etc. I am praying David’s prayer for a clean heart and the Holy Spirit’s work to make me into the mother God has called me to be. I have also been watching John and Kate Plus 8 on a daily basis so that I can remind myself that I have nothing to complain about. I can only imagine how it would be if I had 8 children and my life was documented on tv!