Love That Frees

31. January 2012 · 10 comments · Categories: Depression, God's still working on me

I’m sitting in my pastor’s office. Next to me is a bookcase filled with commentaries and studies on Scripture. I glance at it periodically when I need a moment to gather my thoughts. Tissues are wadded in my hands, nearly useless now. When I finish talking, he says to me, “How do you know you’re doing better?”

I pause and consider. I say, “Well, I got a lot of rest over the weekend. I spent a lot of time in prayer and reading the Word. I’ve also talked with my accountability group.”

He says again, “How do you know?” I look at him, realizing he is asking for something other than what I have given.

He tells me that he heard me list all the things I have done to deal with my depression, but not a thing about what Christ has done for me.

My pastor is right. In my work as a psychotherapist, I spent hours helping people learn and implement coping skills to use when they are depressed. Even then, I knew they were only band aids to reduce symptoms. Over the years I’ve developed my own coping methods to handle my depression. They are all things that work to help me not feel and experience the symptoms so intensely: reading the Word, crying out in prayer, talking to friends, resting, etc.

Because isn’t that what we all want-to just feel better?

He tells me, “Those are all good things to do. But what I want to know is, have you rested in the gospel of grace? Have you reminded yourself of all that Jesus did for you, making you perfect before the Father so that you are now His child?” He continues by reminding me that I have the Holy Spirit in me and that He is actively at work in my heart. He urges me to rely on the promise that the Spirit is always working in me.

I leave the church office realizing that my depression has become about me. Or has it been about me all along? When I fight against the Spirit’s sometimes painful work of love in my heart, I’m living like an orphan instead of the adopted child I really am. An orphan or foster child often learns to trust no one and fend for themselves. They are likely to fight and resist the help of an adult who comes into their life to love them. I’m reacting to the Spirit as though He is not trustworthy and instead depending on myself to make my life better.

God doesn’t promise the Christian life will be easy. He doesn’t promise us that we’ll be financially blessed, free of hardships and live happily ever after. It’s here, in this life, that He is making us new, preparing us for when all things are made new. Though it hurts, He is peeling off all the layers of pride, jealousy, anger, lust and all the other sins that keep our hearts from being fully devoted to Him.

While His love can be quite painful at times, it is also completely freeing.

Depression always seems to be the way He likes to work in my heart. I’m brought to my knees and forced to admit my weakness. I come to the end of myself and realize I can’t do anything without Him. It’s in this broken state where He shows me how He’s been loving me all along. He shows me how I’ve been living like an orphan. What He really wants is for me to live like an adopted child, glowing in the love of the Father and fully dependent and trusting of all He is doing in and through me.

It’s in this promise that I rest: “For the LORD your God is living among you. He is a mighty savior. He will take delight in you with gladness. With his love, he will calm all your fears. He will rejoice over you with joyful songs.” (Zeph. 3:17)

“I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now…The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt…Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off-just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt-and there it was lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been…Then he caught hold of me…and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment…Then I saw…I’d turned into a boy again.” The Voyage of the Dawn Treader, C.S. Lewis

Linking up with:

And Word Filled Wednesday

Read Through the Bible

31. January 2012 · 1 comment · Categories: Spiritual disciplines, Spiritual Growth · Tags:

It’s a new year and while everyone heads back to the gym with increased resolve to get healthy, why not also head back to the Bible? A new year holds great possibility for growth in faith and knowledge of our Lord and Savior.

Have you ever read through the Bible? All sixty-six books? The thought can certainly be intimidating. There are a number of ways to go about doing it. It’s important to find a reading plan that works for you.

To read the rest of this post, visit Bible Study for Her.

Promises of Grace

30. January 2012 · 13 comments · Categories: Gratitude Community

Just when the storm clouds seem as though they will never clear, He calms the storm and confirms a promise.

I’m driving the boys to Cub Scouts. It’s just about dusk. ”Mommy, look at the sunset. Quick, take a picture!”

When my inner battles consume me, I see little of what’s in front of me. The falling tears nearly blind my eyes. The storm in my heart acts as a cataract to dim the graces around me. Yet, His grace goes on. The kids point out His handiwork painted across the sky.

I’m driving my oldest to his weekly enrichment class. It’s beginning to rain and the dark sky matches my mood. As I turn into the parking lot, the kids shout and point to a rainbow in the sky. Their excitement pulls me out of my inward gloom and I look out the front window of the van.

It’s the largest rainbow I have ever seen. It stretches from one end of the sky to the other. Its bands are wide and the colors brilliant. It’s so close to the ground, I want to reach through the glass and grab hold of it.

By the time I park and get out of the van to snap a picture, it’s already dimming. A few minutes later, it’s gone.

The first rainbow promised no more worldwide flooding. This one seemed to reach into my heart and whisper a promise of grace: No matter how many tears you cry, it will never be enough to flood over and wash away my grace. My grace is great enough to hold all your tears, all your doubts, and all your fears.

“Mom, what if we could reach out touch it?”

We may not be able to do that, but it certainly can reach in and touch us.

Counting with eyes a bit less dim:

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January 23: three gifts found in Christ-perfection in the eyes of God, access to His throne, an heir as His child

January 24: three things blue-old blue and clear glass jars I’ve had for years that I found a new use for, holding treasured pictures of ancestors, collection of old Nancy Drew books, blue shirt my friend stenciled a fox onto and gave me as a gift

January 25: one grace borrowed, one grace found, one grace inherited-the listening ear of a friend, the grace and wisdom of my pastor, Kingdom of heaven

January 26: a gift before nine am, gift before noon, a gift after dark-kind words, an eager learner, bedtime prayers

January 27: three gifts that might never have been-stopping chores to just be with the kids, searching the heart, longer story and snuggle time

January 28: three graces found in your friends-compassion, understanding, community

January 29: a song heard, a soft word, where you saw light-Amazing Grace (My Chains are Broken), “Thank you for doing this”, shining on the river as I drove over the bridge

Have you joined the Joy Dare?

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Come Boldly

28. January 2012 · 2 comments · Categories: Spiritual Growth · Tags:

“Let us then approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need.” Hebrews 4:16

Do you freely come to God, no matter what is happening in your life? I don’t. When I’ve messed up with my kids, yelled or said something unkind, the last thing I do is come before God.

In fact, I’m more likely to stay away for a while until I feel worthy.

To read the rest of this devotional, visit Devotions for Moms.

New Creations

27. January 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Spiritual Growth · Tags: , ,

Sometimes you need to take a hard fall to realize you’ve gone down the wrong path.

Overwhelmed by life, I am tired and irritable. The littlest things with the kids set my teeth on edge. Tears well up and threaten to break through the dam I try so hard to keep standing. Yet it seems that no matter how hard I try, it’s not enough.

It’s been a few weeks since I identified my verse and word to describe my hopes for this new year.

“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10

This verse and the word “quiet” is what my heart needs most this year. I need to rest in the presence of God. I need to be infused with His love and grace and know this grace at a deeper and deeper level. I need to weed out and purge those things which keep me from being still before Him.

I haven’t made it very far.

To read the rest of this post, visit CSAHM.

Teach Me Jesus Thursdays: On Grace and the Pharisaical Heart

26. January 2012 · 8 comments · Categories: Parenting, Teach Me Jesus

Cooking dinner, I hear the sounds of angry hearts bubbled over into words that tear down. It gets louder and soon one is crying. They come out into the great-room, bringing their argument with them. One had frustrated the other and he had responded back by kicking his brother.

I began by saying, “Remember how Jesus said we were treat one another?”

“I’m not Jesus!” my oldest responds, his face scrunched up and hands clenched tight. He runs off to his room.

Taken by my friend Lisa

Sometimes, my children speak words that the Spirit has been trying to pierce into my heart for a while.

The pasta is boiling over. The water makes sizzling sounds as it hits the red glass cook top. I stare at it, knowing I need to leave the kitchen and talk through the conflict with them.

How quickly anger can overflow the heart, spattering burning hot drops of pain on anyone nearby.

I turn down the heat on the pot, and walk into the boy’s room. They are both now playing calmly with legos. I get down on the floor, look my oldest in the eyes and say, “I know you’re not Jesus.”

How often does a parent’s response to their children’s behavior imply that we expect perfection? The pharisaical heart has roots that dig deep into the past-back into childhood. A child can learn quickly the ways of self-righteousness. When they have behaved, they hear “You are such a good boy/girl.” Over the years, the heart can come to believe that it is capable of doing good and that the good it does comes from its own ability.

When those beliefs take root, the heart struggles with seeing its own sin. And perhaps even struggles with believing it needs a Savior.

“Jesus called us to live as He lived. But He knows we can’t be perfect like He is,” I tell him. “That’s why He died for us, because we can’t do what’s right. But since He gave us the Holy Spirit, we have His power living within us. That’s the only way we can ever obey. We need to pray and ask for His help.”

He nods his head, listening.

“Whenever you feel the anger rising within you, you must stop and pray. Tell God you are angry and ask Him to help you to obey Him. When you don’t obey, remember that Jesus died for that disobedience. He loves you that much. ”

As a recovering Pharisee, I struggle with living as though I can earn grace. I know how the self-righteous heart can look down on those who don’t follow the rules. I don’t want my children to grow up with the heart of a Pharisee.

I do want them to know the holiness of God. I want them to know all that He expects, what He commands and what glorifies Him. I also want them to realize that they can’t be holy, they can’t perfectly obey Him, and that they need a Savior. I want their hearts to be grieved and humbled by their sin. I want them to run to the cross and receive the grace found there.

God’s grace covers even my parenting blunders. How grateful I am that His grace is greater than all my sin! He can do great work in my kid’s hearts despite my failed efforts. This is my daily prayer.

Have you any “teach me Jesus” moments to share?

To Show Them Jesus

The Way of Hard Love

25. January 2012 · 18 comments · Categories: Depression, God's still working on me, Spiritual Growth

The storm clouds gather in the distance. As they darken and become increasingly ominous, I tell myself that I ought to seek shelter. It’s darkening quickly and I can barely see. I stumble around, seeking some sort of place that will provide cover. I quickly realize I’m not going to get away from this storm in time.

It’s hard to hide from the gathering storm clouds in your own heart.

My story includes many of these depressive storms that come upon me quickly. They wear heavy on my heart. Sometimes the way God loves is hard and I often feel abandoned rather than His beloved child.

I do the only thing I know. I hold the Word in my hands, needing some light to shine in my darkness. Opening to the Psalms, I search there, knowing David walked a similar road. Calvin spoke truth when he said that the Psalms are “an anatomy of all the parts of the soul.”

My gaze lands on Psalm 119:25, “My soul clings to the dust; give me life according to your word!” Oh, how these words describe my own heart! I open my prayer journal to pen my own words of desperation to the Father:

“I come before your throne today needing some encouragement. I am weary of life and sad in heart.

God, I am confused about your intentions in my life. I fight against the urge to ask you, “Why?” Your word tells me that nothing happens outside your will. I read that all things come my way for my own good. And I know that you are catching all the tears that are falling; even now you are collecting them in a bottle.

All I can do is hang on because I’ve come to my end. I know that you often do your best work when we’ve come to the end, broken and empty. I take comfort knowing that anything I go through, you have gone through it before me. When you begged for the cup to pass you, knowing all that you would lose, you drank it anyway. I thank you for the love that did that for me. Help me now to see your love in this.”

When depression grabs hold of me, I have to grab hold of His love. I have to remember His words of love in the Scripture and cling to His promises found there.

I have asked many times for these storms to never follow me again. Yet, I know that trees don’t bear fruit without the rain that storm clouds bring. I must endure these storms for my own growth as well. I hang on knowing that He who calmed the sea of Galilee will one day calm the storms in my own heart. Until then, I pray with David, “You have allowed me to suffer much hardship, but you will restore me to life again and lift me up from the depths of the earth.” (Psalm 71:20)

Linking up with:

And Word Filled Wednesday

The Power of a Moment

24. January 2012 · 3 comments · Categories: Compassion International

As a Compassion Blogger, I get the privilege of writing a post each month, directing readers tot he needs of hurting children around the world. Wes Stafford, Compassion International’s president, recently wrote a book titled “Just a Minute.” In it he talks about the fact that it only takes a moment for someone to impact a child’s life for the better.

I think we all have stories of times in our life where one statement impacted our lives-for good or bad. I remember well comments made by relatives about my looks and personality. These comments, probably spoken in the hopes of changing me in some way, planted themselves deep. They grew increasingly, like weeds, and took over my heart. They tried to choke any positive statements that attempted to make a way into my heart. As the years past, they developed into lies that whisper frequently in my heart. At times, they build to shouts that reverberate in my mind, telling me, “You’re not lovable”, “You’re not good at anything”, “Ugly” and “What’s wrong with you?”

As a psychotherapist, I can also testify that the more negative comments a child receives, it will become deeply woven into the fabric of who they are. The DNA of a person’s personality is shaped throughout childhood. It’s those tender years of youth that matter most to the healthy emotional growth of a person.

In the years I provided counseling to children, I found even those quite young had wounds already etched deep in their heart from words spoken by members of their family. I sadly remember one teen boy who asked me, “Why do you even try? There is nothing you can do to change him. He will always be abusive. That’s just the way things are.” This teen, so used to verbal tirades and abusive criticism, once told me that I was “too nice.” It is a horrible tragedy when kindness and compassion from a therapist is so unfamiliar, it is rejected as “too nice.”

Take a moment to watch this video clip from Wes Stafford. I hope that you come away challenged to encourage and build up any little eternal soul that crosses your path.

Perhaps you have a story of spoken words that impacted you-positively or negatively-that you’d like to share?

In All Things

23. January 2012 · 16 comments · Categories: Gratitude Community

Be thankful in all circumstances, for this is God’s will for you who belong to Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:18

I struggle to give thanks during the trials and challenges of life. Joining the Gratitude Community every Monday is a discipline that forces me to see, even when I sometimes would rather not. There are times when my heart wants to grumble and complain about how the food was better back in Egypt rather than bending down and seeing the manna at my feet. When I think there is nothing to see in the darkness at all, He brings the graces to me-friends who check in with me, bring me dinner, pray for me and love me when I’m least lovable. His grace is endless indeed!

Giving the hard thanks this week:

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January 16: 3 ways you witnessed happiness today-Ian learning to ride without training wheels!, brothers playing, their excitement over selecting a new book from the store

January 17: one gift that made you laugh, one gift that made you pray, one gift that made you quiet-friend coming over with a gift of dark chocolate with almonds, beautiful ladies that come to my bible study, a few minutes to jot down my thanks

January 18: 3 gifts from God’s word-Galatians 2:20, the promise in James 4:8, and Psalm 119:25

January 19: a grace in the kitchen, a grace in the weather, a grace that might never have been-my coffee press I can’t live without, a perfect 75 degrees for the boy’s tennis lessons, my family

January 20: 3 gifts you saw only when you got close up-unconditional love, child’s growth, and my need for grace

January 21: one thing in the sky, one thing from your memory, one things that’s ugly-beautiful-nothing in the sky-it’s perfectly blue and cloudless, where I’ve come from, my tears gathered in a bottle

January 22: one grace wrinkled, one grace smoothed, one grace unfolded-ironing my husband’s shirts, hanging clean and ironed clothes, opening scripture to hear the Word from our pastor

Have you joined the challenge?

Bearing Fruit

21. January 2012 · 2 comments · Categories: Ploughing Hearts

I am the true grapevine, and my Father is the gardener. He cuts off every branch of mine that doesn’t produce fruit, and he prunes the branches that do bear fruit so they will produce even more. You have already been pruned and purified by the message I have given you. Remain in me, and I will remain in you. For a branch cannot produce fruit if it is severed from the vine, and you cannot be fruitful unless you remain in me.

Yes, I am the vine; you are the branches. Those who remain in me, and I in them, will produce much fruit. For apart from me you can do nothing. Anyone who does not remain in me is thrown away like a useless branch and withers. Such branches are gathered into a pile to be burned. But if you remain in me and my words remain in you, you may ask for anything you want, and it will be granted! When you produce much fruit, you are my true disciples. This brings great glory to my Father. John 15:1-8

As we prepare and plough our hearts to join the Body in worship this weekend, may we pray for a heart that bears fruit. Let us eat our fill of His Word so that we hunger for nothing else. And may His Word fertilize and nourish our souls, helping us to grow and produce a great harvest for the Kingdom.

For your heart this weekend: Read my latest post at Bible Study for Her, “Do you know Him?”

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