A Reverie Interrupted

28. February 2012 · 15 comments · Categories: God's still working on me

I lie next to him, snuggling and enjoying the feel of his wet hair against my cheek. It’s become my favorite part of the day. This evening ritual is simply a story and prayer, but it warms me somewhere deep in my soul.

I lay here thinking about how fast he’s grown. Nearly four and half, he’s no longer a baby. He’s my second and last; I’ll have no others.

Courtesy: Lisa Tarplee Photography

I reminisce about his sweet days as a baby. I wince in regret at the moments I missed while suffering post-pardum darkness his first year of life. I love that he prefers to be by my side, that he wears baseball caps everyday, and that he gives near deadly bear hugs. It makes me smile each time he says “mellalade” when he orders lemonade at a restaurant. And I think about that fact that he and I are similar in many ways, both shy, sensitive souls.

I’ve heard many times from friends who’ve walked this road before me, “Appreciate the moments you have, they grow up so fast.” In those early days of infancy, the hours seem to go by at a crawl. Time is especially slow during those midnight hours when they won’t sleep. Now I look back and realise how fast the quickly the time has flown by.

Why do we so often look back and regret all the moments missed? There’s no way of knowing that each day we might be witnessing various “last times” in our children’s lives. If I knew it was the last time he would ask to sit on my lap, would I cherish it more? If I knew it was the last time he would run for his blanket when he was sad, would I appreciate it more? If I knew it was the last day he would mispronounce a word, would I pause and listen intently to what he said?

“You know what Ian?”

“What?”

“This is my favorite time of day. I love snuggling and reading to you each night.”

The days are growing shorter to when he will no longer want me to lie here with him. I finish the story and begin to pray for him. I thank God for the gift he is to our family. I express gratitude to the Lord for all my favorite characteristics about him, thanking God for his hugs, his smile, his sense of humor and the way he tells stories. I pray about all the ways I see God working in his heart, changing and transforming him.

He eats this prayer up like sticky-sweet candy straight out of an Easter basket. Not knowing how else to express what these words mean to his heart, he hugs me tight and rubs his face against mine, growling like a bear.

Before I leave he says, “You know what mommy?”

“What?”

“You make my pillow so hot, it’s like it’s on fire!” He grumbles and flips his pillow to the other side, before lying his head down, ready for me to pull the covers up.

I chuckle and appreciate this moment, savoring it, despite it’s interruption to my nostalic reverie. Who knows, perhaps thi night was one of those “last times”?

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And Word Filled Wednesday

Not Ashamed

28. February 2012 · Write a comment · Categories: Spiritual Growth · Tags:

“So now Jesus and the ones he makes holy have the same Father. That is why Jesus is not ashamed to call them his brothers and sisters.” Hebrews 2:11

I can feel it slowly come over me. I’m in a room full of people and quickly become filled with fear. How did it find me here? Was it something someone said? I want to hide, but where? My face feels hot and blotchy; I struggle to take a breath. I want to escape but I know it will soon follow me.

Shame.

It’s like a vicious and debilitating cancer. It slithers its way into our hearts, hiding in deep and dark corners. There it stays out of sight, growing and burying its roots deep. As shame flourishes, it whispers lies that blind, paralyze and suffocate.

To read the rest of this post, visit Bible Study for Her.

Following the Trail of Grace

27. February 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: Gratitude Community

Gratitude changes the pangs of memory into a tranquil joy. Dietrich Bonhoeffer

Happiness is caused by things that happen around me, and circumstances will mar it; but joy flows right on through trouble; joy flows on through the dark; joy flows in the night as well as in the day; joy flows all through persecution and opposition. D.L. Moody

It’s Monday again, the day when those of us who have taken the “joy dare” post our lists of thanks for the past week.

Joy can sometimes confused with happiness. Happiness is a temporary feeling resulting from a positive experience. Joy on the other hand, is a fruit of the Spirit. It is present in the heart of the believer no matter the circumstances.

In the Christian life, we cant expect to experience trials and hardships. It comes with following the call of Christ who cautions, “Count the cost.” Yet the Spirit, who is ever at work in our hearts, produces joy that sustains us during these times. This is why the disciples could rejoice that they were counted worthy to suffer for His name (Acts 5:41). Joy enables us to see these gifts that we count each day, in both the darkness and the light. They are like breadcrumbs on the trail of grace. Trail markers, these graces keep us on the path that leads us ever closer to His throne. And so I keep following the trail…

Counting #1219-1248

Little Miracles, a new grill, and a husband who cooks on it

Playing Battleship alone with just Ian, successful steps made in letting things go, deep discussion and sharing with my accountability group

Surviving Ian’s allergy testing, celebrating his bravery with a trip to Tutti Fruiti and the park, peace in just sitting still on a bench while they boys played

Isaiah 53, 1 Peter 2:21

Clean porch after being coated in yellow pollen, the light bulb changing fairy

A son who loves to read

story cubes, reading poetry, writing silly stories, venn diagrams, weird word of the day, analogy of the day= homeschool fun

Planning big vacay with friends this summer

New Audrey Assad cd

red velvet cookies, sweet potato pancakes

Friend who texts and checks in on me-I dedicated this post to her this past week

The way Ian’s hat is always cocked off center to the side

Son learning the hard lesson that serving others can sometimes require painful sacrifice-a mere shadow of the Sacrifice made for us

Cub Scouts banquet-Ethan earning his Tiger badge

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When Love is Hard

24. February 2012 · 2 comments · Categories: Spiritual Growth · Tags:

Let’s be honest, love is hard.

It’s been a week. The flowers are wilting and the candy is nearly gone. The sweet messages in the Valentine cards are mostly forgotten.

All that’s not forged through hard love is short-lived.

For most of us, the fragrant aroma of love’s soft side is brief and doesn’t last. Life gets in the way. Trials and challenges arise. Instead of sweet messages, words of anger are spit forth. Hard love often leaves a bitter taste.

Why can’t love remain sweet all the time? Why does love have to be so hard?

To read the rest of this post, visit CSAHM.

Teach Me Jesus Thursdays: Resurrection Tree

23. February 2012 · 9 comments · Categories: Parenting, Teach Me Jesus

Lenten season is upon us. This forty day stretch that brings us into Holy Week is a time of deep reflection, introspection, and sacrifice. It is a contemplative time, giving us opportunity to grasp anew the gospel of grace that was accomplished for us by our Lord Jesus. It is also a time of contrition because “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise.” (Psalm 51:17)

I like to spend these forty days reminding my boys of why Jesus had to come. We begin with the story of creation and make our way through all of Scripture, highlighting the promised Savior. We have a “resurrection tree” that I use to hang ornaments that represent the Scripture passages we are reading. The ornaments are made from small objects that we found and some are ones we simply cut out from cardstock. We read a passage each morning and then hang the ornament on the tree. The passages we study include the covenant promises God made about the coming Savior to Noah, Abraham, Moses, and David. I include prophets like Jonah and Daniel. We also cover Jesus’ birth, baptism, miracles, calling of the disciples, etc. During the days of Holy Week, the items we hang on the tree are based on Jesus’ final days and hours.

Here are the passages we read and the ornaments we hang:

1. Read story of creation-ornament of the earth

2. Read story of the Fall-ornament of a fruit tree (could also do a snake)

3. Read story of Noah and the Flood-ornament of animals (could also do an ark)

4. Read story of Abraham and the covenant God made with him-ornament of a star to represent the number of children

5. Read the story of Abraham and the sacrifice of Isaac-ornament of a ram

6. Read the story of Jacob-ornament of a ladder or a picture of a bowl of stew

7. Read the story of Joseph-ornament of a coat with many colors

8. Read the story of Moses and the Passover-ornament of a lamb

9. Read the story of the ten commandments-ornament of a scroll or slate with the words, “The Law”

10. Read about David becoming King-ornament of a crown

11. Read Isaiah 53-ornament of hands (for a servant) or a lamb

12. Read Daniel 7:13-14-ornament of clouds for Son of Man coming with the clouds (Jesus is referred to as the “Son of Man” over 80 times in the Gospels)

13. Read story of Jonah and refer to Matthew 12:41 where Jesus calls himself as “one greater than Jonah”-ornament a large fish

14. Read the story of the angel announcing to Mary the good news that she will bear a son-ornament of an angel

15. Read about Jesus’ birth-ornament of a manger or a gift package

16. Read about John the Baptist’s ministry-ornament of locust or honey

17. Read about Jesus’ baptism-ornament of a dove

18. Read about Jesus’ temptation-ornament of a snake or stones

19. Read one of Jesus’ miracles such as the feeding of the 5,000-ornament of bread or fish

20. Read about the anointing by Mary-ornament of perfume

21. Read about when Jesus enters the city on a donkey (Palm Sunday)-ornament of a palm tree

22. Read about the Last Supper-ornament of wine

23. Read about Judas being a traitor-ornament of a bag of coins

24. Read about Peter’s denial-ornament of rooster

25. Read about Jesus’ trial before Pilate-ornament of a whip

26. Read Matthew 27:35-ornament of a nail

27. Read Matthew 25:37-ornament of a sign “Kings of Jews”

28. Read Matthew 27: 48-ornament of a sponge

29. Read Luke 23:44-49-ornament of a cross

30. Read Luke 24: 1-12-ornament of a stone

Do you have any traditions for teaching Jesus to your kids during the days leading up to Easter?

To Show Them Jesus

You Can’t Run Alone

22. February 2012 · 6 comments · Categories: Depression, friendship, God's still working on me, Spiritual Growth · Tags:

It’s hard to run this race all alone.

I hear the buzzing of my phone in my room, indicating I’ve received a text. I walk over to the antique desk where my phone continues to pulsate against the wood. The distinct golden grain of the oak secretary begins to blur in my vision as I look down at the phone. Picking it up, I read, “You doing okay?” The tears have begun their descent, quick and hard.

Source

The text was from a dear friend, a sister in Christ. She knows the days have been hard. She knows of the internal battle I regularly fight against the lies in my mind and the tears I try so hard to contain.

The phone buzzes again. “What can I do? How can I pray?”

To read the rest of this post, visit Must Love God, my writing home for today.

His Next Move

21. February 2012 · 23 comments · Categories: Depression, God's still working on me, Spiritual Growth

“Mom” he says in exasperation, “the bishop can only move diagonally.”

He was five when he asked for a chess set for Christmas. An analytical thinker, it’s the perfect game for him. He learned quickly the rules and strategies of the game and continues to try to teach me.

We sit at our spacious and cherry-stained oak dining table, he on one side and I on the other. As always, he chooses the light-colored pieces, though I’ve failed to learn why. The table we’re seated at has hosted quite a few chess matches. Purchased with money left for me by my grandfather, it’s also held many dinner guests, friends and family alike. It’s remarkable how a slab of wood, turned table by the Amish, can be the initiator of so many memories and traditions.

I can see determination in his young face as he stares at the board. I watch his fixed gaze and wonder if the rows of squares, alternating in color, will begin to blur into one. His face is almost expressionless, as he begins to form his strategy in his mind. He thinks ahead, anticipating each of my moves. We take our turns, moving pawns, knights, rooks and bishops. Each of us saves the queen for those final moves, all the while protecting the king.

I think about a book I’ve been reading, Just a Minute. It’s been a great reminder that words of encouragement and affirmation spoken in just a minutes time can effect the course of a person’s life. I think about how often he asks me to play chess and I turn him down because of some other responsibility or chore. I think of failed opportunities to affirm his ability to not only learn the game, but teach it to others. I think of missed conversations spoken throughout the game, moments when I could have spoken words of encouragement straight into his heart.

Not today.

It’s my turn. I try to figure out his possible response to each of the different pieces I could move. In chess, you have to watch and predict your opponents moves, all the while planning your own strategy.

As I fix my own gaze on all the possible squares in which I could place a piece, I realize how in my own heart lately, I’ve attempted to play chess with God. I’ve tried to anticipate His next move in my life. I see Him moving one way and I try to think ahead to what’s next. I strategize, “If He’s doing this in my life, then I’ll have to do this or else this will happen.”

I live life in the future, always wondering what’s ahead for me. I try to plan out what I will do and how I will handle what comes my way. In reality, I’m trying to have power over that which is out of my control.

While in chess you can develop a strategy and anticipate your opponent’s next move, God cannot be analyzed or strategized.

In recent days, I’ve done this even more. I’ve looked at where my life is today and assume it’ll be this way for years to come. I get overwhelmed and fearful of the future-future tripping-all at the expense of the present. I even try to change what will happen in the future. Grasping at control that is unattainable has led me down a dead-end road called the Way of Depression.

I treat God like an opponent, someone who is in a battle against me and One against whom I have to win.

Life is completely missed when I spend my days dwelling on what God is or isn’t doing. When I focus on what’s ahead instead of what’s right here and now, I’m missing the opportunities He’s placed in my path today. I need to live in today and appreciate the moments I’m given. The table beckons, a feast awaits me. Each day I need to sit at the table, enjoy the spread before me, and participate in a game or two. For tomorrow, it will all be gone for good, replaced with new opportunities and moments. And I don’t want to miss anything, for I’ve missed too much already.

Not surprisingly, I wasn’t able to anticipate my seven-year-olds strategy. Before I knew it, he said, “Check.” And as is often the case, I lost the game. But it was a happy loss, lived full in the moment with my oldest son.

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Book Review: Just a Minute

21. February 2012 · 4 comments · Categories: book reviews, Compassion International

I remember the first time I heard it. I was fifteen and it had been mere months since my grandmother had died unexpectedly. He had called to catch up. I don’t remember the details of our conversation, though I probably talked about school and my part-time job. We finished talking and before I hung up the phone I heard him say in his deep baritone, “I love you.”

I had never heard those words before from anyone in my family. My grandfather, the WWII veteran and retired police officer from our nation’s capital, had always seemed fearless, strong and invincible in my youthful eyes. Yet the sudden loss of my grandmother changed him, humbled him, and softened him. When he spoke those words to me that day on the phone, I didn’t know what to say. Like my grandmother’s death, those words were sudden and emotionally shocking. Yet unlike her death, they planted seeds of hope in my hurting and frail heart.

As the years went by, we all learned to say those words. Not a day has passed in my children’s life that I have not spoken those words to them.

I recently wrote a post about Wess Stafford’s new book, Just a Minute. Since that post, I received my own copy to read and review. Compassion International’s president has traveled the world many times over and in doing so, has heard many stories about the power of words in a child’s life. This book compiles about sixty stories of the lasting impact that words of affirmation make in a person’s life.

Just a Minute: In the Heart of a Child, One Moment...Can Last Forever

The book includes stories about children in the Compassion program as well as stories of famous people, both present and past. Some are hope filled and reveal the power of encouraging words. Some are stories of tragedy, like that of a young Hitler. Wess Stafford encourages us to be intentional with the children in our lives and take advantage of each moment with them. Taking just a minute to speak affirming and truthful words to their heart can impact them for years to come. We ought to do this with any child we meet or have contact with, not just our own children.

These affirming words aren’t just praises like “good job,” rather they are meaningful words that speak to the heart of what God thinks of them and what he is doing in their lives. It’s encouraging them in the gifts and skills he’s given them. It’s also showing unconditional love and a genuine interest in their lives.

This book struck me deeply, especially as I reflected on the missing positive affirmations from my own childhood. There were moments of grief as I experienced again the painful messages I had learned instead. Yet this book also has challenged me to be more proactive in using each moment with a child to speak blessing to their hearts. I’ve also been more intentional in our letters to our Compassion child to speak words of affirmation to his heart. Instead of merely sharing with him our daily lives, I’ve begun to share with him our specific prayers for him, how we see God working in him and how God is preparing him for a great future.

“You, even for a moment, are part of a tapestry of people engaged in the life of any child with whom you have a minute. Others may have hurt them deeply. Some may have neglected them, sending a “you don’t matter” message deep into their spirit. We don’t have to know all the dynamics that bring us to the present moment. But we must all be faithful to play our part when the moment presents itself.(p.122)”

What can you do with just a minutes time to speak hope into the heart of a child?

Disclaimer: I received this book for free from Compassion International for this review. The words and opinions are my own.

Circle of Blessing

20. February 2012 · 14 comments · Categories: Gratitude Community

“When blessings descend from heaven, they must in the form of thanksgiving be returned to heaven by those who received them.” -William Hendriksen

Like the nine lepers healed who left without giving thanks, I so often fail to complete the circle of blessing. Blessings require a reciprocal response of praise and glory to the giver of all good things. This past week, I have been increasingly intentional about returning thanks for all things.

Completing the circle: #1204-1218

words of encouragement in the mail from my MIL

Super soakers

Strength under pressure

Lunch with a friend and helpful advice

That I don’t know my future but God does

Husband’s safe trip away

Walking with friends through their own fires

That even though the fires I walk through are painful, they only make me stronger

The Must Love God community

Realizing I need to let some things go

And the peace to do it

The freedom that homeschool gives to allow for rest of weary minds and bodies, there’s always another day

Afternoon sunlight shining through the front door

Pinewood Derby: Ethan placed first in the Tigers and third in the pak

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When You’re Feeling Burned Out

18. February 2012 · 2 comments · Categories: Spiritual Growth · Tags:

Do you not know? Have you not heard? The Lord is the everlasting God, the Creator of the ends of the earth. He will not grow tired or weary, and his understanding no one can fathom. He gives strength to the weary and increases the power of the weak. Even youths grow tired and weary, and young men stumble and fall; but those who hope in the Lord will renew their strength. They will soar on wings like eagles; they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint. Isaiah 40:28-31

Some days my head hits the pillow hard. I lay there thinking “I can’t do this another day.” I’m not only physically tired, but emotionally and mentally as well. Between refereeing conflicts between siblings, homeschool, church responsibilities and the chores, I am spent. Yet, exhausted as I am, my mind runs long into the night. I think about the projects I promised the church I would complete. I remind myself of countless things I need to do for homeschool the next day. I think about people I need to call but haven’t.

Life is hard and it’s tiring. As moms, we are known to give and give and give some more. We juggle many hats and many responsibilities. Children use up all our patience and energy. Our minds are usually full of to-do lists, burdens and worries, if-onlys, and I-need-to’s.

To read the rest of this devotional, visit Devotions for Moms.

 

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